what to write?

I love writing. Over the years, I have found that writing is a great tool for me to process and get things out of my mind. Not all of my writing makes sense.... those are the journals that get thrown out after a few years... but other times, I think highly enough of my writing to share it with others - with you, the reader of my blog (to be honest, I'm often less confident in these writings than I give on). Additionally, I really enjoy sharing things that I have learned - or am currently learning. It's in that later phrase where my writing finds hesitation. 

When I go through trials, make stupid or embarrassing mistakes, learn a really hard lesson, or am down on life, it's really hard to want to share those moments with the world.

There are a few trusted companions who may or may not hear about those times (and may or may not receive my rambling writings). More often though, no one does.

I reckon there are two fears at play here. 

First, the obvious one (to me): 

I fear that someone who I don't want caring for me will try to.

This fear is silly, because we are all called to care for and serve our brothers and sisters. It still holds me down though. 

Second, less obvious to me (but still vibrantly clear based off the first):

A fear that people will see through the mask(s) I've allowed myself to wear.

I wonder if it's so hard for me to see the second fear because I've put on those masks when looking in the mirror, too? 

Do I see myself in a light which is truthful to who I am behind the masks?

Occasionally, I get excited about life and will go through a cleaning spree or write out a bunch of plans. 

I do (and think about) these things. 

Then reality hits: You have so much time, so much to live before those things are even possible!

I then feel stuck. 

As if I have so many hopes, dreams, plans, that are so far off. 

They're in such a distant future that I can't really do anything other than what I've been doing until then. 

I'll start looking at and staring job applications before I realize how silly it is to begin such things when there's a whole life in the present which I need to attend to before the future arrives. 

I think I get this way about my writings sometimes. 

There's so much I could say, I would say, am excited to say.

But it's all partial.

It's all temporary - fleeting.

I have this mental ideal that I should have everything figured out before I write it down.

In reality, I know that's not how I work. It's not how my processing really takes place. 

I write as I go, and often times what comes out is not at all what I thought it would be when I first sat down. (I give you this post as Exhibit A)

I had a friend ask me one day about my process for writing. I wasn't really sure what to say. I just get an idea and go with it. Sometimes I lose my thoughts. But mostly, I try to write as soon as I can after an idea crops up. This friend admires my writing and, frankly, I have a hard time understanding why. 

But it's friends like these who give me the confidence to carry on, to keep improving and building upon the skills I have. 

It is my desire to be vulnerable with my readers, to show the reality of my life and the things I'm learning. My desire is to show you the saving grace and redemption from our sins and struggles that is freely given through Christ Jesus. This goal can't be accomplished without displaying my own faults and failures or the work Jesus does to redeem me from them.

I want people to be encouraged when they get to the end of my posts. 

But sometimes, that's not going to happen.

Sometimes it will be depressing.

Sometimes you're going to read my cry to the Lord for help because I've hit the end of my rope. 

Sometimes it will end abruptly